In the pickup artist (PUA) world, the guys have a phrase: “that’s a ‘quality problem.’” Quality problems are the kind of problems your friends might not want to hear about because you only have them after making so much progress with all this stuff that you have an abundance of men or women in your life.
So an example of a quality problem, for a guy, is where he has finally mastered attraction, and he finds that he has a bunch of women he’s not interested in who won’t leave him alone. Or he’s getting a lot of women to have sex with him, but they are not the type of women he’d like to have a long-term relationship with. That sort of thing.
So here is my “quality problem” of the week. This has happened several times recently, and although right now I’m at peace about it, at the time I found it triggering and annoying.
The “problem” is this. A couple of the guys who have expressed interest in marrying me decided it was a good idea to try to eliminate other suitors or male friends of mine. One of these men did it by trying to convince me that I had been manipulated and “played” by my friend. Another of these men suggested that I should “just walk away” from certain relationships with other men.
Guys, this does not help your cause. If the person you love loves someone else, there must be a reason. You’d be better served by sharing that love and appreciation rather than attempt to sabotage it.
I view this “rival bashing” as lose/lose. Either I will defend the person you are bashing, and find even more things to appreciate about him and maybe even end up in a relationship with him. Or perhaps that man will go by the wayside, but I’ll be less attracted to you because you felt the need to be negative toward someone I care about. Either way, I am left with an uneasy feeling in my stomach and a kind of “ewww” response. That’s not to say I won’t get over it, but I don’t recommend this tactic. If you truly believe you are the “best man” to be a woman’s partner, then you don’t need to insult the other men in her life or try to make her feel fearful of the other man’s intentions.
The best analogy I can think of is the egg and sperms. The sperm that penetrates the egg is not the sperm that wastes his time trying to knock out other sperms. Can you imagine a sperm sticking his flailing little tail out to “trip” another sperm? It’s ridiculous. The sperm that “wins” is the one that gets there first and also has what it takes to penetrate. That’s it. There is no competition. The best man will win, it’s inevitable.
Along those lines …
My firm stance is: I am a prize (as I believe every person on this planet also is, most just don’t know it yet). These are my standards for a life partner. If you are ready to step up and be that life partner, not just say you’re going to step up, but actually do it … then I am open to you.
If not, there will be no casual sex and no commitment from me. And I won’t let go any of my other suitors until I’m engaged to be married. I won’t let go of my male friends EVER. They are an important part of my social network and support system, and I love them all too much. I trust that my primary partnership will benefit from my having those men in my life.
About the Author:
Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening
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