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A "Quality Problem": Why Rival Bashing Tends to Backfire

In the pickup artist (PUA) world, the guys have a phrase: “that’s a ‘quality problem.’” Quality problems are the kind of problems your friends might not want to hear about because you only have them after making so much progress with all this stuff that you have an abundance of men or women in your life.

So an example of a quality problem, for a guy, is where he has finally mastered attraction, and he finds that he has a bunch of women he’s not interested in who won’t leave him alone. Or he’s getting a lot of women to have sex with him, but they are not the type of women he’d like to have a long-term relationship with. That sort of thing.

So here is my “quality problem” of the week. This has happened several times recently, and although right now I’m at peace about it, at the time I found it triggering and annoying.

The “problem” is this. A couple of the guys who have expressed interest in marrying me decided it was a good idea to try to eliminate other suitors or male friends of mine. One of these men did it by trying to convince me that I had been manipulated and “played” by my friend. Another of these men suggested that I should “just walk away” from certain relationships with other men.

Guys, this does not help your cause. If the person you love loves someone else, there must be a reason. You’d be better served by sharing that love and appreciation rather than attempt to sabotage it.

I view this “rival bashing” as lose/lose. Either I will defend the person you are bashing, and find even more things to appreciate about him and maybe even end up in a relationship with him. Or perhaps that man will go by the wayside, but I’ll be less attracted to you because you felt the need to be negative toward someone I care about. Either way, I am left with an uneasy feeling in my stomach and a kind of “ewww” response. That’s not to say I won’t get over it, but I don’t recommend this tactic. If you truly believe you are the “best man” to be a woman’s partner, then you don’t need to insult the other men in her life or try to make her feel fearful of the other man’s intentions.

The best analogy I can think of is the egg and sperms. The sperm that penetrates the egg is not the sperm that wastes his time trying to knock out other sperms. Can you imagine a sperm sticking his flailing little tail out to “trip” another sperm? It’s ridiculous. The sperm that “wins” is the one that gets there first and also has what it takes to penetrate. That’s it. There is no competition. The best man will win, it’s inevitable.

Along those lines …

My firm stance is: I am a prize (as I believe every person on this planet also is, most just don’t know it yet). These are my standards for a life partner. If you are ready to step up and be that life partner, not just say you’re going to step up, but actually do it … then I am open to you.

If not, there will be no casual sex and no commitment from me. And I won’t let go any of my other suitors until I’m engaged to be married. I won’t let go of my male friends EVER. They are an important part of my social network and support system, and I love them all too much. I trust that my primary partnership will benefit from my having those men in my life.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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Comments

  1. Erika says:

    "No offense I mean only good when i say this but most girls are only attracted to the top 1% of men out there. These men have options in there life. They live in abundance."

    Indeed they do live in abundance. And these men, it turns out, are extremely turned on by a woman who knows what she wants and is unwilling to settle for less.

    So fortunately for me, it's

  2. Erika says:

    Lol about the idea of cockblocking sperms …

    but yes, T., that is the point. The "blockers" and "fighters" are not going to get there first. And that's not their function.

    The one that will get there first is the one that is meant to get there. The others are supporting actors ;-)

  3. Anonymous says:

    Smokelion…you have a lot to learn my young padawon but i am willing to teach you…hahaha jk…yeah i see where your coming from…i guess…haha jk but seriously i do

  4. Anonymous says:

    Daria -

    No, I didn't mean show up at the door with an engagement ring. Obviously that would be a little extreme. Correct me if I am wrong…. She has many men around that she goes out with…however there is absolutely no sex or no level of commitment. It seems like she wont settle into a relationship until he gives EVERYTHING to her. Is this correct?

    If that's

  5. Justin Carnahan says:

    Truly desirable people don't suck others down to their level. They bring other people up. This is a sign of a truly great person.

    For example, that guy that's hitting on your girlfriend; appreciate that he wishes he was in your shoes, appreciate the effort he's giving to attract your woman, and appreciate the respect when he leaves and your woman feels more beautiful

  6. SMoKeLioN says:

    "No offense I mean only good when i say this but most girls are only attracted to the top 1% of men out there.These men have options in there life. They live in abundance. You are trying to get commitment from your man. "

    There are 6 billion people on the planet. How did they get here? You're wrong in your generalization. It seems like youve created a negative utopian aka

  7. Anonymous says:

    No offense I mean only good when i say this but most girls are only attracted to the top 1% of men out there. These men have options in there life. They live in abundance. You are trying to get commitment from your man. It seems as though you believe that the only relationship you believe is a successful one is one that leads to marriage. If you believe that your losing out on a lot of happiness.

  8. T. says:

    "Actually, sperm do fight each other on the way to the egg. Some sperm are classified as "fighter" sperm, some as "blocker" sperm, and some as "sprinter" sperm. When a man knows or suspects that his lover is having sex with other men, the number of "fighter" sperm increases dramatically. Interesting, huh?"

    Yes, but those fighter sperm

  9. SMoKeLioN says:

    Besides that though, yeah rival bashing doesnt usually achieve what the person intended. And it highlights that you yourself are threatened by the rival.

    I see it as a misplaced defense mechanism sprouting out of insecurity

  10. SMoKeLioN says:

    "Actually, sperm do fight each other on the way to the egg. Some sperm are classified as "fighter" sperm, some as "blocker" sperm, and some as "sprinter" sperm. When a man knows or suspects that his lover is having sex with other men, the number of "fighter" sperm increases dramatically. Interesting, huh?"

    Robyn is correct. The sperm

  11. Poetry of Flesh says:

    I'm very much the same. As soon as a guy starts bashing my friends or his friends to me, trying to disqualify them, I move on.

    If the only way you can validate yourself to me as a partner is to push the other guys around beneath you… no.

  12. Daria says:

    I feel confused…

    M – what do you mean? What type of guy? Won't stick around because of what? Won't stick around because he is engaged?

    Why not?

    I don't think Erika expects a man to show up on a first date with a ring…

    I think she means a ring as in a real authentic feeling engagement… which is an engagement TO stick around

  13. Anonymous says:

    I think you are limiting yourself by creating such strict rules when it comes to commitment. You wont commit in any way to a man until there is a ring?? Really? This might be your way of finding that guy that is worth it. However, I think you'll come to realize that this type of guy wont stick around because of that.
    -M

  14. Robyn Lynn says:

    Actually, sperm do fight each other on the way to the egg. Some sperm are classified as "fighter" sperm, some as "blocker" sperm, and some as "sprinter" sperm. When a man knows or suspects that his lover is having sex with other men, the number of "fighter" sperm increases dramatically. Interesting, huh?

  15. Dan says:

    Whoops, now I see the error of my ways in mocking the other Dans on this site. Still, I'm the one true Dan and everyone knows it. ;)

    By the way this is totally true. In my experience so far I find it works well to simply act like another guy doesn't even exist. It's not attractive to women, I don't think, when one guy is too reactive to another guy, especially if he

  16. Doug Lance says:

    im curious. how many times has a man proposed to you, ring in hand proposed

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