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A Provocative Letter from a Female Reader

Hey everyone,

I am continually amazed by the insightfulness and generosity of my readers here.

A blog reader sent me this letter a few weeks ago, and I’ve have been meaning to respond to it on blog (with her permission) for a while. I’m still not quite ready to respond, but I re-read the letter today, and I like it so much for all the provocative questions that she raises, that for now I’m publishing it as is. I’ll circle back later with a response.

If, in the meantime, any of my readers would like to respond to her, please feel free to email me or post it in the comments section. It’d be especially cool to hear from the guys about her concerns. Hope everyone is having an amazing weekend :-)

Here’s the letter:

Hello Erika,

Warning: this is a pretty long email!!

I stumbled upon your blog completely by fluke this past weekend, and was totally taken with how you discuss profound spiritual issues with the earthy, corporeal reality that we all live. I’ve been going through a pretty significant shift in my life where I’m finally connecting with my body and emotions; I’ve been an exceptionally controlled woman most of my life, never in touch with my fundamental femininity, and your writings on being in the moment, experiencing flow, being embodied, and paying close attention to how you FEEL in your body have been extremely helpful for me. Your blog is great and I just had to write and tell you that; it really stirred up a lot of ideas and feelings for me.

I’ve also been struck by the links you’ve got on your site – I recognise lots of them! I’m totally into Eckhart Tolle, think Non-Violent Communication is awesome, have purchased some of Rori Raye’s DVDs, done some EFT, read Byron Katie and Debbie Ford. I felt like I’d hit the jackpot!! I’ve also been reading about male/female relationship dynamics pretty voraciously for a while and I, too, find the PUA community fascinating for a number of reasons. Partly because I’m very analytical, I was keen on getting a sense of what life was like for a man when it came to relating to women.

I’d never really thought about it before (mostly because I was so oblivious to my own emotional world) but when I made the commitment to plunge into the world of feelings and emotions, it made complete sense to be curious about the male perspective. What I found so interesting when I read more about PUA’s was that for one thing, it’s so much more than just being able to pick up and fuck a woman (not that that isn’t a goal either!). The men out there teaching the real stuff are truly talking about a transcendent, profound inner shift that radically changes the way they experience first themselves, and then how they relate to everyone and everything. So I totally get why this can be such an incredible experience for the men who get beyond the lines and the external technical skills. It’s the application of these tools with a particular vibe, intention, spirit, presence, centred sense of self (however you wanna term it) that result in the most significant experiences taking place.

When I read one of your posts about why there wasn’t the female equivalent of RSD, I started thinking about a few things, which leads me to a couple of questions I have for you. I could be wrong, but it occurred to me that not very many women would be attracted to a course that basically promised them that they could learn relationship skills that would enable them to draw and sleep with very large numbers of men. There’s no question that the promise of sexual abundance is, for a lot of men, a huge fantasy and something that would motivate them very, very highly to learn PUArtistry, if you will. The average healthy male is very driven by his physical desires, and regular satisfying sex (especially with a hot woman) is something that the vast majority aren’t happy to go without for long stretches of time.

The relationship courses for women tend to focus on setting boundaries, not chasing men, becoming more receptive, getting in touch with their femininity, and basically cultivating their own presence too. They are then able to “choose” from a range of suitors in order to select the one who best meets her needs – whatever that may be (i.e. commitment, marriage, kids, etc). Again, I’m generalising to a certain extent. The courses for women – the good ones anyway – are equally adamant about women developing their own version of “inner game”. It’s just that the goals seem somewhat different between these two communities.

My question has to do with what seems to be a kind of biological essentialism: men want to have sex with as many women as possible, to have an almost unlimited variety of sexual partners, while women want that one special man who will cherish them and love them. It seems to me to be this kind of cleavage between the genders (again, I’m generalising). Whether it has to do with socialisation or biology, women don’t seem as motivated by the prospect of endless sexual partners while the men seem to happily dive into that realm, and then some (threesomes, group sex, etc., etc.). So here’s the question (roundabout intro notwithstanding!):

What’s in it for women?

I don’t mean that to sound flippant or dismissive. I’m genuinely curious. If these men plying the PUA trade get really good at it and are indeed living the kinds of relationships they’ve previously been frustrated about, then I understand how they benefit. They gain enormous confidence, they discover their masculine core, they learn how to stand calm in the face of anything that gets thrown at them, they basically feel in their bodies what it’s like to totally OWN everything about themselves and make absolutely no apologies for anything they desire. That’s powerful stuff and has amazing repercussions for their life overall.

So these guys are gaining all these amazing benefits and they’re basically practising on women as they refine their techniques. You can’t get good at something without starting somewhere and honing and polishing your skills until you achieve the degree of excellence/mastery you’re happy with. That’s an axiom for any endeavour. My question to you – a woman who’s spent a lot of time with this community, who’s clearly very comfortable with her own sexuality and her own desires- has to do with how you experience connection with the men who ARE connected to themselves in the way that the courses advocate.

Is it enough that you as a woman actually HAVE the experience of being in the flow, of being lead/seduced/taken/ravished by a man in full control of his being? Is that what the payoff is for the woman? I’m reacting, I suppose, to the thought of men “using” women to become better seducers. I’m thinking of those women who are in that dynamic with a newbie PUA, for example, and wondering how they’re feeling about it all. You seem to have had the benefit of interacting with highly skilled men, and in a fashion that allows the experience to be this gorgeous, trippy, embodied, exquisite dance of the senses and of connection (physical, spiritual and emotional). But is it really possible for these newbies to truly treat a woman as a full human being when his primary thought is how “effective” he is and that he would love to score? Doesn’t it take a pretty evolved being to be able to relate to a woman as an equal, as a co-creator in the experience, knowing full well that the encounter may last for an hour, a night, a day, half a week, and then be basically over? How as a man do you respect her fundamental humanity/equality/essence when all your senses are geared towards fucking her? Again, I’m not saying that it’s impossible to experience a sort of sacred fucking, and I’m all for the kind of fierce honesty and strength that it requires. But again, what is the woman learning from this and how is it “helping” her? Or is it enough to simply BE and receive all this splendour, to be adored as a goddess for however long it lasts, savour it for what it is, and then let it go?

Back to this essentialism thing: woman as receptive, feminine energy and man as initiating, focused, masculine strength who “takes” what he wants through the strength of his conviction (done respectfully, of course, and with a whole lot of sex involved for the most part). It just strikes me that those categories get even more entrenched, so how is the PU community and its way of relating to women “progress” when it seems to me that women are kind of “passive” in this worldview??

Last thoughts, and I promise to stop this endless riffing!

These guys want, for the most part, young and hot women (again, biology coming into play here to a large extent). I remember reading a comment on a post by a guy who was saying that he felt kind of guilty because he was practising on women he would rate as a 6-7 when he really wanted to be with a 9-10, but that he needed to get good and so this was an inevitable occupational hazard, so to speak. You seem to be someone attractive enough to be approached on a regular basis by alpha men, and have the luxury of turning down their offers of marriage, sexual ecstasy, etc. Not all women are in this position. I don’t mean that one accepts whatever is offered from a scarcity mentality, but isn’t it somewhat of an axiom that this whole PUA realm is about relative youth? I imagine a PUA could continue a lifestyle of endless girlfriends well into his 50′s, totally ok with not wanting monogamy or marriage or children, and still hook women decades younger. I don’t think women have quite the same ease of attracting attention when they’re older – again, not always the case, but on the whole, that’s the reality of it in many ways.

Do these guys really want to eventually settle down with one woman after they’ve lived what they’d previously only fantasised about? Again, I’m sure it varies from individual to individual, but that also begs the question of how many men NOT thinking about this worldview are in a kind of denial about who they are and their deepest impulses. Then again, self-selecting audiences eh? If a man is authentically happy with his woman and his monogamous relationship/marriage and perhaps his children, then more power to him. I truly believe that the PUA community poses some serious questions about a man’s belief systems and how he IS and how he lives his life and whether or not it’s truly what he wants – that’s an invaluable exercise.

I’ve been pondering this all because I know that I’ve always been someone terrified of submitting to my deepest emotions and feelings, especially in a relationship. I fear the ending, the letting go, the pain of disappointment, of offering myself and being “rejected” – all the stuff that comes with relationships and sexual intimacy. That’s why your writings on celibacy, on being present, and simply accepting and fully experiencing the moment’s flow are intriguing to me. I know I’d survive something not enduring; that’s an intellectual understanding, but I’m still a bit afraid to know that in my body and experientially…

Anyway, now that your eyeballs are fried, I’m ending this message. Again, your blog is very cool, I really enjoy your posts, and whatever feedback you can lob back to me would be awesome!

Namaste.

About the Author:

Erika Awakening is a Harvard Law School graduate and former practicing attorney. She left the rat race to become a location-independent entrepreneur, holistic life coach, blogger, speaker, healer, and Emotional Freedom Technique (EFT tapping) expert. Erika Awakening is one of the world's foremost experts on eradicating limiting beliefs and lifestyle design on your own terms. Learn more about Erika Awakening

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Comments

  1. Michael says:

    Erika, I feel grateful for you doing this blog. It’s actually gives me a kind of hope I haven’t had before. Great posts and great comments.

    On using women to get better:

    When I was a college boy, just 20 or 21 or so, long long long before I ever ran across any of these topics, I lived in a house with 2 or 3 girls, and their friends came over all the time. One of them became my girlfriend for a while. One day when one of these roommates of mine was expressing some frustration she was having with her boyfriend, my gf burst out with “He’s not even technically proficient!!!!” Ouch!

    A few months later I bought a book on tantra and one day was hanging out at the house I shared with my roommates, skimming and reading. I knew that sex with my girlfriend wasn’t like it was on tv and in the movies, and wasn’t really sure why, and anyway it was interesting stuff. I kind of thought it would be great to have a better shared experience, and if not, it was interesting anyway.

    My gf came in and looked at what I was reading. Her face contorted into that expression that I had come to recognize but didn’t know I’d come to recognize. “I DON’T WANT TO BE PRACTICED ON!!!!!” (storming out) Ouch!!! (chuckle)

    Practicing on her or with her? Using it on her or with her?

    Um, yeah.

    I think mehow addressed this – to a certain extent – somewhere on his blog, in a post that was about a night where a particular venue was full of guys who were educated in this kind of “pickup” material – as it were. I think one of his comments was “give value, and be genuine.”

    Oh – and … dissertation. Hell yeah. I am down with that.

    To Anonymous Girl from The Late Night City Drive:

    I heard on a lecture once that we all have habits of closure; it’s only when we can’t stand the pain of living with it, the pain of not opening up, that we start to do something about it. I guess the pain and fear of opening is scary enough; but the pain and fear of the constant ongoing death of those same habits of closure just going on indefinitely … when that’s worse, then magic may happen. It seems to me that’s when practicing with someone really becomes powerful and worthwhile.

    I don’t know what Erika and Entropy think about this, but I’ve heard that if left to our own devices – attraction routines aside, just speaking energetically – we tend to attract our energetic reciprocal. That is, when we tend to have habits of closure, we’ll also tend to attract a partner that has habits of closure as well … that aren’t the same as ours, but interact reciprocally with ours. Someone who matches our capacity to love and close to love. It’s completely ok to not know and to not feel safe and to want to open up. That’s where practicing with someone comes in. Maybe you will find someone who you want to see open up just like they want to see you open up, and you can decide to explore that together on purpose.

    Thank you for mentioning that you enjoyed my comments. I feel glad to be able to participate here in a way that can bring meaning and enjoyment; that meets my need to contribute in a worthwhile way and know it mattered.

    I used to take long late night drives alone, as well. I had this picture of the Devlin’s album “drift” that I’d stick on my dashboard, and a mix tape (cough, cough, dated) with Bruce Springsteen and Annie Lennox etc. on it … and I’d just drive up and down the boulevards and downtown streets, just watching, watching all the lights reflecting against glass like ghosts, the lit windows of houses belonging to folks I didn’t know, and all the people continuing to be somewhere between here and there. It felt so free and blissful to not be anywhere and to just see it all. All these people. Always going somewhere, rather than nowhere in particular. But now, I’m not so sure they were ALL going somewhere.

    We shouldn’t talk about that though, because we might start flirting. And that would be bad, wouldn’t it.

    ;-)

  2. Dan says:

    (addressed to the letter-writer)
    You’ve raised a lot of great points for discussion. I don’t think they have any easy answers.

    Newbies screw up sometimes. But so do a lot of other guys both inside the “community” (do we still call it that?) and out. People learn, quickly, slowly, or not at all, and there’s nothing to be done about that. In any case, many of these things are beyond anyone’s control except the individuals experiencing it.

    To me, your entire post comes down to this.

    “I’ve been pondering this all because I know that I’ve always been someone terrified of submitting to my deepest emotions and feelings, especially in a relationship. I fear the ending, the letting go, the pain of disappointment, of offering myself and being “rejected” – all the stuff that comes with relationships and sexual intimacy.”

    Your fear is perfectly normal. I think a lot of people have it–I know I do.

    Fear is a funny thing though, especially fear of a hypothetical future. It isn’t real. It’s running from the devil in your own back pocket.

    The good news is, you already have your answer and it’s probably better than anything me or anyone else could say. It’s your fear, after all, which means you get to be the expert on it whether you decide to hold on to it or let it go.

    “namaste”

    Right back atcha

  3. GoneSavage says:

    Hey, we all want to be objectified once in awhile.

    Mutual objectification is win-win.

    ;)
    GS

  4. Entropy4 says:

    Well, between the email and all the comments (all awesome btw), this post has turned into a damn dissertation.

    Even though there are probably a dozen topics and questions in the email that deserve their own posts, I’ll respond to one in particular: the question about PUA newbies and the merit of their interactions.

    It’s true that when guys start learning these skills to get better with women, they have to objectify them, and therefore objectify the interactions the have as well. As a result, their first successes will tend to be with low-self esteem women that have no problem being objectified. But once these foundational skills are set (social skills, sexual confidence, escalation, humor, etc.), they can open themselves back up to appreciating each interaction in and of itself.

    In a way, to really achieve the highest level of this stuff, you have to stop “sarging” and just be. I have barely “sarged” in a year, and the quality of my results has gone through the roof.

    I’ll probably make a blog post about this at some point.

  5. Anonymous says:

    Okay took me half the day to read all this.

    Erika, can I get a copy of this novel. Good stuff.

    So many multiple topics. I will just throw in my 2 cents.

    I think it is more about timing. I have been on both sides. It has been many years since I have had a committed relationship and I am finally at a point where I am ready to give it a shot. For example Megan Fox, she just got out of a committed relationship, will not want one for quite some time.

    Damn it! That’s cool Megan, we can still hang out.

    As for your comments on the hottest girl. Believe me I know. I have been there. I am definitely better prepared for that. Plus the hottest girl to me may not be to others. All about connection and attraction.

    Normally not such long winded:P

    A.H. aka B.D.

  6. Anonymous says:

    Michael,

    I am really enjoying your comments! Thank you… girl from the (Late night City drive)

    :)

  7. KG One says:

    WOW — oddly enough, I was going to send a note with a few questions, this discussion seems to broach it.

    Question 1 — Why are most books and articles about relationships from woman to men on the most part are useless? They will usually suggest the man do things to express his “needyness” (buy her flowers, take her out to dinner, etc.). Is it so the writer doesn’t sound hypocritical — I hear women say they don’t want a “needy” man, and many times, women will dump a good beta male for a “bad” alpha male.

    Question 2 — Other than this blog (you’re welcome) where to direct my female friends to use the various seduction methods to men (OK, the type of men she wants)? I’m really tempted to say, just be more attractive (and she is…) but most of the items in the (male) seduction are based that there are triggers that increase her attraction to him.

    Question 3 — Should a self-admitted beta male who has been trained and practiced various seduction methods and has tested ideas on his own, go into the seduction seminar/bootcamp business? Or would it be best for a natural or a trained natural?

  8. Anonymous says:

    I loved all the conversation here! I had imagined that most of the marketing to the PUA newbies is about meeting guys where they are at… hurt, confused, frustrated, wanting sexual relief ((I’m not just talking about getting off)) One theme I would like to explore is called Getting Off Getting Off… I’m a beautiful girl and I was an ugly duckling.. when I began getting sexual attention after feeling so dissed, I gave myself away and then, I softened, matured, took risks, saw the humanity in others… I’m still single… not because there aren’t guys who want more from me, and make offers, but because the to take the next lap, I feel there is something to being with someone who has a great capacity to love, to communicate fearlessly, to stand in the joy and expanded states of emotion/feeling or actually God, with me… So, opening my heart more on my own seems to be the first step to taking the next lap. I wrote about presence in an earlier comment. I literally feel like it’s my own limiting belief systems and the patterns that I am used to playing with other people that keeps me in a state of frustration, no matter what the topic… or has been keeping me in a state of frustration…

    I drove around the City last night, wishing I was with someone I love and then, giving myself freedom just to drive where ever I felt like driving. I had never seen the City with open eyes like that before… from strip clubs to bars, to ocean, to cafes, to empty streets… I realize one thing I am ready to shift is the idea that any boyfriend/lover/husband is going to be the source of all my safety, all my joy, all my pleasure, all my friendship… I wanted to go into some place by myself last night but I couldn’t… not yet… the richness of letting the City be something I don’t judge was amazing… I’ve been so repressing my sexuality ((as an energy and mind game)) it almost seems as if one of the natural conclusions of any guy who does love me is that he would separate off from me and go about opening himself up sexually with other people. I’m a dynamic sexual energy… mixed with an incredibly tender and beautiful heart. The pain of judging male sexual energy is just a mirror for me judging my own. I don’t feel safe yet to fully express my sexual energy and I don’t completely know what that is about. I feel that at the end of the day, and during the whole process of just being present to who I am in every moment… I want love to be solidly present… both for me and from me… and not just with my significant other… love is a field of energy and healing I want to swim in with everyone… I still don’t know how sexual expression joins with that ability to swim in a state of love and healing with everyone… but I’m here… witnessing… willing to participate when I can feel fully in my body that any action I take is part of surrendering into God… not a concept of surrendering… something I can completely say yes to…

    Love everyone!

  9. Erika says:

    So much to respond to, I don’t even know where to begin!

    GoneSavage, I loved your response. Like you, I don’t believe in biological existentialism. It’s a form of “limiting beliefs” and it gets in people’s way (and sometimes they hide behind it).

    Michael, thanks for chiming in, too. I hear women saying, “oh this only works when you’re young and beautiful,” and I just don’t believe that is true. It’s such a hot topic that I might post separately about it. Just last night I saw an article about a woman who became a tantrika after the age of 50. The French courtesans are another example. Lots of PUAs (I saw it some time ago in Entropy’s blog, for example), have said that they often find they want a deeper relationship with a girl who is NOT the hottest girl they’ve ever hooked up with. And Christian Carter has written about the curse of the beautiful woman (meaning, it’s often harder for her to find the relationship she wants).

    Why? Because when it comes to longer-term relationships, both men and women really want connection. Which has nothing to do with superficial appearance or attributes.

    ACIM talks about this too, in talking about escaping the limitations of the body: “Idolaters will always be afraid of love. For nothing so severely threatens them as love’s approach. Let love draw near them and OVERLOOK THE BODY, as it will surely do, and they retreat in fear, feeling the seeming firm foundation of their temple begin to shake and loosen.”

    To the author of the beautiful letter, you asked:

    “My question to you – a woman who’s spent a lot of time with this community, who’s clearly very comfortable with her own sexuality and her own desires- has to do with how you experience connection with the men who ARE connected to themselves in the way that the courses advocate.”

    The short answer is that it feels blissful to be with these men. Why on earth else would I spend so much time with them and devote myself to bringing this knowledge to the rest of the world? ;-)

    This comment is turning into a post in and of itself, so I’ll stop there and maybe write some more posts addressing some of the many intriguing questions that you have raised.

  10. Michael says:

    Is it using, or exploring? Is there a difference between using and exploring? I believe there is. What makes that difference?

    For me, it’s about exploring possibilities of how I, and we, can be more intimate and creative and interact with women through all kinds of relationships in a positive way for both people.

    How as a man do you respect her fundamental humanity/equality/essence when all your senses are geared towards fucking her? Which “her” do you mean? Her as in physical sex with her body? Or her energy? Personally, all my senses are not geared toward fucking her body. If I approach a woman to have an interaction, I already know the chances are slim I’m going to like her enough to want to end up in bed. What draws me to her is her beauty, feminine energy and the chance to increase that and co-experience that blooming and that aliveness. It’s true that it is something sexual that is the basis for the desire to interact … however it’s not the sexuality of the body. It’s something else. The interaction is sex. The energies of that. “Fucking” the conversation itself. And in that, she most definitely is not a passive receiver.

    I may just be a meaningless drop in the bucket compared to the other guys out there, but I want the writer to know, personally, I do not want to sleep with lots of young hot women. I like to talk and flirt with them even, but ultimately I’m not looking for lots of sex; I’m looking for high-quality interactions on all levels that can be developed over time with someone in a situation where we both want to explore that, and increase that, and be creative with that … including sex. I’ve been with young hot women half my age to see what it was like, a personally, what I find is that I prefer a woman who knows what she’s doing. That’s not to say that the beauty of youth doesn’t take my breath away at times; it does … and I also know that I probably won’t want her in my bed or my life practically speaking. So what do you do, right? You inhale that energy she has about her, and enjoy what it does to you, appreciate her, and you drive it around and give that delight to other people.

    I’m not in this to be a pickup artist. I’m in this to make art out of interactions with lots of people, be social in a positive way, and connect in great ways with some women that I find worthwhile enough to be around, and hopefully to find a collaborator and partner-in-crime to make art. Our own private art. I want to be and be with an interaction artist.

  11. GoneSavage says:

    Honestly, you are more similar to the guys that find the PU community than you may think. You describe yourself as “exceptionally controlled” and “analytical” just like the guys that find us. You found Erika’s blog and the works of the other self-actualizing mentors in exactly the same way that guys find us. You are someone who is self-aware, introspective, and at least a little dissatisfied with the status quo. It’s a vague sense of frustration and a desire for personal expansion that led you here.

    Guys almost always find the community because they just want an uncomplicated girlfriend. Simple, straightforward. The “promise of sexual abundance” and the “prospect of endless sexual partners” is largely marketing hype, lived in real life by a tiny minority (of both men and women). Your email tells me that you fell for the hype/myth pretty hard too. Here’s the reality: Guys come here because they are frustrated, confused, and want some basic guidance. And unfortunately, they get more confused and more frustrated when they are persuaded to believe that they should somehow become players rather than go for that down-to-earth, committed girlfriend.

    So, the community is guilty of accenting and perpetuating the “cleavage between the genders.” For sure. The PU community will progress when we admit that it takes two to tango. There is no 80/20 rule, it’s 50/50 from the start. The guy may make the initial contact, but the dance of seduction requires an equal energetic exchange. If a guy goes out with the mentality that he is “taking” and “using” women to “score,” he will attract women complicit to that vibe. Men and women are both passive in the sense that we have debilitating low levels of self-awareness and generally go through life on autopilot and unquestioningly accept whatever is offered. Yet always, men and women are both co-creators of the experience — an experience greater than the two of them combined — regardless of whether they are “evolved” enough to realize it or not.

    Here’s my take. Men and women both want sexual abundance (this may or may not mean multiple partners, but I think if you are being completely honest with yourself, you could admit that you crave variety too). Men and women both want to feel desired and we both want to find that special partner to love and cherish. Men and women have the same drives, desires, fears, and vulnerabilities. I don’t believe in biological existentialism. I’ve had a diversity of experiences that tell me it is just not reality. Most of evolutionary biology is just unfounded speculation used to justify the extreme sexual insecurity of most men and women. Even socialization is cast aside when you realize that the gorgeous and exquisite dance of lustful seduction is always one of mutual pursuit and reciprocal satisfaction.

    So, What’s in it for women?

    I daresay you answered your own question. YOU get a man who has achieved enormous confidence, he’s discovered his masculine-human core, he stands calm in the face of anything thrown at him, and he makes no apologies for his desires. The powerful repercussion is that he can now assist YOU in discovering your feminine-human core, developing colossal confidence, and owning your feminine-human desires. Better yet, you’re assisting each other simultaneously. You are the seduced and the seducer, the ravished and ravisher. Let yourself savor the mutual adoration.

    “I know that I’ve always been someone terrified of submitting to my deepest emotions and feelings, especially in a relationship. I fear the ending, the letting go, the pain of disappointment, of offering myself and being ‘rejected’ – all the stuff that comes with relationships and sexual intimacy.”

    Thank you for this raw candor. This description of your hesitation and helplessness is exactly what we feel when we guys talk about having “approach anxiety” and we start generating excuses to rationalize not going for what we want. Men and women are the same. An authentic intimate connection will never begin if you fear the ending.

    Sometimes it takes a whole community to convince you to let it go.

    GoneSavage

  12. Leonardo says:

    Well, again another post from the female perspective (of course this is a blog written for a woman, lol!)It seems that you worry a lot how women can be “used” for a PUA, remember that those PUAs were AFCs for a long period of time in their lives and they were “used” for women too. What do you have to say about women looking for validation, cock teasers, gold diggers, women that play with the nice guy to satisfy their ego drives? You can get hurt if you are a woman or a man. Young hot women despise nice guys and love bad boys. I haven’t seen the first woman feeling bad for this, they just do whatever is better for them in the same way a bad boy doesn’t feel bad ’cause he wants to have sex with a hot woman. It’s a matter of perspective. Women stop playing hard to get as soon as they get old and start to worry about having kids, but while they have all the power that beauty gives to them they choose and sometimes play with men. The nices guys usually get hurt in the process.
    I think that PUA teaches that you have to be respectful and honest with women, and that everybody must be responsible for their feelings. About being monogamus, why monogamy is the only option? ‘Cause society says so and ’cause is the best option for women? I think that other options are open and have to be evaluated as well. Eventually if you want to have kids and form a family with that very special person for you, marriage sounds like a good option.

  13. Anonymous says:

    What’s in for a woman? She can mix her genes with an awesome person for a chance to have resembling offspring.

    Our instincts haven’t changed much since before our brain grew real large, sorry to bust no one’s bubble, I presume.

    We all want to have sex with many different partners: men AND women. Women are just more reluctant as they could die during childbirth – again by nature. However, a more open sexuality for females is definitely desirable, as something society should promote.

    Best wishes,

    S.

  14. Anonymous says:

    The art of loving someone is to be present with them… This is the insight I was given tonight. In being present with them… there is no formula… there is no “he’s a provider or an orgasmatron”… it’s interesting, isn’t it, that, for most of us, there became this split… it is either provider or seducer… what I’m aware of is that presence is the complete package…

    As far as the history of it… why the split? I think women got tired of the heavy burden men would carry around in their work life and got tired of the deadness of relationship.. and also, we take on each other’s conditions ((ways of feeling unless we are in presence)). So relationships have been becoming heavy when really it’s just love that has experienced a shift of focus… somehow, the people may have an inner split that I can’t write about right now… Erkart Tolle talks about it… I have a blog with an article that might help illustrate this if anyone wants more insight into what I am sharing.

    http://enlightenedrelationship.blogspot.com/2009/02/what-is-self-love-help-or-hinderence.html

    Presence is really the main key to all it… it’s the key to letting go of the hurt that would cause either a guy or a girl to go on a pussy war or a war on cock… or a freeze out or any of that stuff… playing games… crashing into emotional hells…

    My day went from crying to OMG! What shifted it? Being willing to live in presence again… letting go of limiting beliefs I’d held about being present… If anyone is interested, I’d be happy to share more… let me know in a comment if you want to know what happened in my day that took me from emotional and forlorn to open, receptive, present and unafraid to love…

    Thanks to the person who wrote the letter. Very well written!

  15. Anonymous says:

    I’m sorry, I couldn’t last through the whole post. I did start to skim though. I’m curious about the woman wants one man to cherish her part.

    So, is that true? Across the board? Reason is a lot of PUA ebooks/methods suggest that women want sex just as much as men, AND that they want two types of men for different reasons. They want the provider and they don’t mind the seducer from time to time.

    So what do you ladies, and men, think about this? The pua community, perhaps for marketing purposes (never forget that it’s a business too – so results projected in eBooks are ALWAYS skewed), emphasizes that women sexually want the man that’s going to orgasmatron them, and it’s never the same as the provider. Blah Blah blah – you get my idea, but what’s your take?

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